In the Mood for KAOS
by Alexis Rockford
Summary: Groovy Guru returns to wreak KAOS when the vacationing Chief leaves Max in CONTROL! Completed. Please r/r!
1. Max in CONTROL

It was a quiet day at CONTROL HQ. Too quiet. Well, maybe not, but you get the picture.  
Nothing was going on in the world of espionage. The agency was, in a word, dead. Chief was  
sitting at his desk as usual, but this morning he was drumming his fingers on the desk in boredom.  
Larrabee would ask him if their was anything to do every few minutes, and every few moments he  
was greeted by the unpleasant sound of Chief bellowing, "No! Of course not! There wasn't  
anything to do five minutes ago, and there still is nothing to do!"   
  
"Sorry, Chief," replied Larrabee, sounding a bit like a wounded puppy.  
  
"And don't apologize!" Chief yelled.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Chief banged his head against his desk. This was going to be one long day.  
  
And it was about to get longer. At that moment, Agent 86, aka Maxwell Smart, entered the room.  
"Good Morning, Chief," he called cheerily as he leaned over his boss' desk. Inevitably, about 500  
sheets of carefully organized paper fluttered to the floor as he did so.   
  
Chief rolled his eyes. Max was wondering why Chief had such an odd look on his face when he  
noticed the pile of papers at his feet. Sheepishly, he leaned over and picked up as many as he  
could in one armful. "Sorry about that, Chief," he muttered. Chief was about to bang his head  
against the desk again when a lovely brunette in an attractive blouse and miniskirt walked into the  
room. "Good Morning, Chief," she said in her sweet female voice. Her bright blue eyes flashed  
coaxingly as she shifted her gaze to Max.   
  
The bumbling agent was of course oblivious to her attentions and merely turned to his boss  
asking, "So what's our assignment today, Chief?"  
  
"What would be your reaction if I told you that you have no assignment today?" began Chief in  
annoyance.  
  
Max's countenance suddenly gained a schoolboyish grin. "Whoopie! A holiday! What's the  
occasion?"  
  
"Chief's saying that we don't have an assignment because there aren't any," patiently explained  
the curvaceous female who was known only as Agent 99.  
  
"Oh, of course!" exclaimed Agent 86. "I knew that! I was just testing him."  
  
At that instant, Chief leapt up from his desk and threw his hands up in the air. "That's it! I quit! I  
can't handle this anymore! Any sane man would've left his job ages ago, but even an insane one  
like me isn't stupid!" And with that, he swiftly exited the room.  
  
Max scratched his head. "Hmm, that's funny. I've never seen Chief that way before. Must have  
been the coffee. I told Larrabee it was burned!"  
  
99 sighed and gave a knowing look to Larrabee.   
  
.Get Smart  
  
In the Mood for KAOS  
  
  
99 hurried after Chief as he exited the building. "Chief, wait!" Chief obligingly stopped and turned  
to face his lovely employee. "I know that Max is annoying and about the slowest spy in the  
agency next to Larrabee," she began with a sweet smile on her face, "but you can't leave us now  
with no supervisor and no one to turn to." She flashed her baby blues pleadingly at her boss.  
  
Chief sighed deeply. "You're right, 99. CONTROL needs a temporary manager while I'm on  
vacation.  
  
Agent 99 breathed a sigh of relief. "So you're not leaving CONTROL? You're just taking a short  
little trip? Oh, Chief, I could hug you!" She embraced the elderly gentleman and kissed him fondly  
on the cheek.  
  
Chief reddened considerably at this display of emotion of the part of his staff member. "Uh, well,  
it's not exactly a short trip," he ventured timidly, "I was planning to leave for at least a month  
since nothing is going on around here. KAOS must be inoperative or something."  
  
99's face altered considerably, though she tried to hide her disappointment and concern. "Oh, well  
that's fine as long as we have a worthy substitute in your stead. Who did you have in mind?"  
  
"You're not going to believe this . . ." trailed off her companion.  
  
"Sure I will, I'll believe almost anything." Her face twisted in embarrassment at how naive her  
statement had sounded. "That is, unless Max asks me."  
  
"Does anyone take that man seriously?" asked Chief, throwing up his hands. "Well, anyway, I'm  
leaving CONTROL under the complete jurisdiction of . . ." He took a deep breath and said  
speedily, "Maxwellsmart."  
  
"Who?"   
  
"MAXWELL SMART!" bellowed Chief.  
  
"You called?" asked a familiarly annoying voice.   
  
"I daren't look," murmured Chief, as 99 turned towards her partner.  
  
"But what if something important should come up while you're away," 99 continued, completely  
ignoring Smart's presence. "Do you really think he could handle it?"  
  
"Sh! The Fates might hear and punish me." Chief looked about himself in paranoia. "Nothing has  
happened for a week. I really think that KAOS has dissolved."  
  
"But what will become of our jobs!" complained 99. "The whole purpose of CONTROL is to  
stop KAOS!"  
  
"How should I know?" demanded Chief as he turned to leave. "I'm not the one writing this  
thing!"  
  
Realizing that her boss was trying to make a quick getaway before informing Max of his  
newfound responsibilities, 99 tapped Chief on the shoulder and pointed to the 47th greatest agent  
in the world, who was busily counting the fuzzes on his shoelaces. Chief understood the gesture  
and waited for 99 to get the idiot's attention.  
  
"Hello, Max!" she chirped as though she had just noticed he was there.   
  
Max jumped a mile. "Who landed?" he asked in confusion.  
  
99 ignored him and continued. "Chief has something important to tell you." She placed an arm on  
his shoulder and nudged her boss.  
  
"Oh, ahem." Chief cleared his throat.  
"MaximgoingonvacationandleavingyouinchargeofCONTROL."  
  
"What?" 99 and Max asked in unison.  
  
Chief tried to repeat the fateful mandate, but words failed him. He just couldn't bring himself to  
say it again.  
  
Suddenly, a light dawned on Max. "Chief, don't tell me that you're going on vacation and leaving  
me in charge of CONTROL."  
  
Chief dreaded to answer in the affirmative, so he merely nodded. 99 removed her arm from Max's  
shoulder and cringed at the remark she was certain would follow.  
  
"Oh, well why didn't you say so!" exclaimed Agent 86.  
  
99 and Chief blinked in disbelief. "He didn't say it," muttered Chief in near delirium, "he didn't  
say it! I must really be going mad! I need to leave RIGHT NOW!" He scurried off toward the  
parking lot.  
  
99 turned to Max. "Why didn't you say it?"  
  
Max blinked stupidly. "Say what?"  
  
"'I asked you not to tell me that.'"   
  
"Tell you what? 99, you're not making any sense today. I think you need a vacation."  
  
99 fought the urge to clobber him. "Yes, boss," she said between clenched teeth.  
  
"I like that: 'boss,' It has a nice ring to it." Maxwell wagged his head in satisfaction. "Come  
along, Agent 99, we must see what my other minions are up to." He sauntered back into the  
building.  
  
99 trudged after him, wondering what it ever was that she saw in him. 


	2. Larabee's Adventure

Max paraded into Chief's office with the air of a pompous monarch. Larrabee seemed a bit  
confused that Chief hadn't returned and shared his perplexity with Agent Smart. 99, who had  
been right behind him waited patiently for his answer.  
  
But before he could open his mouth, Larrabee interjected in horror. "Oh no! It's the coffee, isn't  
it? I've poisoned him and now he's in an ambulance on his way to the ER!"  
  
"He is?" asked Max, scratching his head. "I thought he was on vacation." A moment later, he  
seemed to realize his stupidity. "I mean, he *is* on vacation, I just spoke to him, and he left me in  
charge. Isn't that nice of him?" Before the astounded Larrabee could reply, he continued, waving  
his hand authoritatively. "Now, you are under my jurisdiction, and I say . . ." He blinked, trying to  
dream up an appropriate command. "What would Chief say at a time like this?" he whispered to  
99.  
  
"'You're fired' comes to mind," she remarked wryly.  
  
"Oh, right." Max cleared his throat. "Larrabee, YOU'RE FIRED!" He bellowed at the top of his  
voice and then began to cough violently. "That took a lot out of me," he said hoarsely to Agent  
99. "In fact, I think I've lost my voice. I don't know how Chief does it."  
  
Larrabee was laughing heartily. "Gee, this sure is a funny joke, Smart, but seriously, where is the  
boss."  
  
"I'm not joking," murmured Maxwell feebly, his voice becoming weaker by the second. "Chief  
really-" Suddenly, his voice gave out completely.  
  
"Oh, Max!" cooed 99 in concern. "You stay right here, and I'll get the ingredients to my mother's  
laryngitis remedy. She used to use it on my father all the time. It seems that he spent so much time  
talking his way out of things, that he lost his voice frequently. Funny, you wouldn't think a  
greeting card writer would need to talk much." She shrugged and headed out the door.  
  
"Maybe he was really a spy and made up that story to protect her family," Larrabee suggested to  
a miserable, gesticulating Max. Then he broke into another round of chuckling. "Just kidding!  
Man, I'm so funny today!"  
  
At that moment, the phone rang. Max stopped waving his arms long enough to gesture for  
Larrabee to answer it. After he stopped laughing, the stupid spy obeyed his new boss. "Hello? Oh,  
good morning, Mr. Parole Officer! What? Groovy Guru's up for parole? Hmm . . . . You say he's  
been a model prisoner, eh? Just a second, let me ask Chi- er- my boss." He turned to Max.  
"Should we allow them to grant Groovy Guru parole?"  
  
Maxwell's eyes bulged in disbelief. He remembered his last episode with that Mad Musician. He  
and 99 had almost become kill-happy zombies! He waved his hands frantically for Larrabee to  
refuse.  
  
Unfortunately, Larrabee, thick-skulled, bumbling fool that he is, misunderstood Max's sign  
language. "Mr. Parole Officer? Yes, you may grant him parole. My boss is so excited about it that  
he's practically jumping out of his seat!"  
  
Agent 86 banged his head on the desk with frustration. He was beginning to sympathize with  
what Chief had to go through for him.  
  
99 re-entered the office, her arms full of condiments for making her special salve. "Here we go!  
It's lucky for us that the CONTROL kitchen is always well stocked. Now if I can just remember  
the formula . . ." She dumped the supplies on Chief's desk and began measuring various amounts.  
  
  
"Guess what?" asked Larrabee with the self-satisfaction of the cat who swallowed the canary.  
"The Parole Officer at the Federal Pen, KAOS division, just called."   
  
"Mm?" replied 99 distractedly.  
  
"Groovy Guru was applying for parole. Now, I didn't suppose that you'd think it was in our best  
interest to grant it to him, but Max gave the ok."  
  
"What!" 99 dropped a glass jar full of hot mustard. It shattered and oozed off the desk into Max's  
lap. "Maxwell Smart! How could you do such a thing! Have you forgotten how he tried to take  
over the country! Why, after Siegfried, he's one of KAOS's most formidable accomplices! I'm  
not speaking to you!" She ran out in a huff, leaving a very angry Max ro deal with the oblivious  
Larrabee.  
  
"Mmph mm ma moo uh!" said Max in the loudest voice he could, which was about minus 40  
decibels. (Translation: Now look what you've done!)  
  
"I can't hear a word you're saying, Max, you'll have to speak up."  
  
Smart was seriously considering homicide when Hymie, the Homo sapiens replicate robot entered  
the office. "Any trash to be taken out today, sir?" He blinked in surprise when he saw Agent 86  
behind chief's desk. "O, I beg you're pardon, Max. Where is the chief?"  
  
Max shrugged, which was about the only answer he could give in his voiceless state. Hymie  
scratched his head and repeated his entreaty about the garbage. Max was about to dismiss him  
wordlessly when a rare stroke of genius hit him. With an air of brilliance, he pointed at Agent  
Larrabee.  
  
Hymie looked puzzled. "Agent Larrabee does not look like trash to me, but, if you say so." He  
hoisted the moronic spy on his shoulder and carried towards the door. Unfortunately, Larrabee  
was flailing around so much that Hymie couldn't see and consequently, the robot walked into the  
wall beside the doorway.  
  
"Mm huh bu hah mu!" whispered an exultant Smart. (Do I REALLY need to translate? Hymie  
MISSED the door, get it? Oh, why do I even talk to you people!)  
  
Hymie backed up and marched dutifully out the door and toward the metal dumpster at the back  
of CONTROL property. Maxwell leaned back in his chair, basking in the sweetness of success. Of  
course, the chair tipped and dumped him on the floor. "I really need to stop that," he thought as  
he picked himself off the floor. "That's the 3rd time this week! Well, would you believe the 7th?"  
He blinked stupidly. "Well, I've heard of talking to yourself, but this is ridiculous! I think I need  
some air. That *must* be it." So he went through all fifty security doors to get outside. (What  
else!?)  
  
99 re-entered the office only to find that it was completely empty. "Where has that man got to  
now?" she wondered aloud as she exited the annoyingly secure building. She saw Max strolling  
along the sidewalk in an obvious daze. She ignored him and turned her gaze toward the back of  
the CONTROL property. What she saw defied description. Hymie, loyal spy robot, was carrying  
Larrabee to the dumpster!   
  
"Hymie, what on earth?" she asked as she ran towards him.  
  
"Agent 86 told me to dispose of the rubbish," Hymie explained as Larabee squirmed in his  
position across the machine's shoulder.  
  
"He *told* you?" inquired a disbelieving 99.  
  
"Well, not in so many words . . ." trailed off Hymie. 99 crossed her arms and glared. "Ok, in no  
words at all, just sign language. From my calculations, I can quite certainly state that he is  
suffering an acute and quite rare form of laryngitis, which can only be cured by a salve of two  
parts hot mustard, two parts honey, and three parts tabasco sauce."  
  
99 blinked. "That's my mother's secret remedy! How did you know the ingredients?"  
  
"It's not so secret now, is it?"Agent 99 glared even harder. "I suppose you will be wanting me to  
put Agent Larrabee back where I found him, but that would be disobeying orders from my  
superior.  
  
"Maxwell Smart is not superior in anything," she retorted. Then, she seemed to have second  
thoughts, "except maybe looks, charm, kissing . . ." She seemed to be reliving a recent scene with  
her partner that had been cut out of the tv show. Her eyes were closed in a blissful contemplation  
of the feel of his lips on her own. Suddenly, she snapped back to reality. "Alright, alright. If Max  
wants you to put Larrabee in the trash bin, it's his prerogative, but when Chief gets back . . ."  
  
"Don't worry, Miss 99," cried Larrabee, "I'm sure I can find a way out of there by then."  
  
This assurance was hardly comforting given the fact that Larrabee had once locked himself in the  
bathroom and taken three hours to realize that the door locked from the *inside* as well as the  
outside. But the female agent made no mention of that embarrassing affair and instead saluted  
him. "Just think of it as a training exercise," she called as she walked toward the sidewalk. By the  
time she arrived, Maxwell was nowhere in sight. She sighed in exasperation and returned to her  
rightful place in the office.   
  
***************  
  
Meanwhile, a huge welcoming committee of former inmates and new recruit KAOS agents were  
celebrating the return of Groovy Guru. KAOS HQ was decked out in full hippie ornamentation  
with peace signs (crossed out and replaced by the KAOS logo, of course) flowers, and tie-dye  
painted walls. Everyone present was in high expectation of their leader's arrival. Suddenly, a great  
shout emerged from the crowd and Groovy Guru was borne inside the building by his rabid  
admirers.  
  
"War, Hate, and Misunderstanding!" chanted the Guru and the cry was repeated by the entire  
assembly. KAOS HQ erupted in a terrible cacaphony of angry shouts and embittered cheers.  
"Death to CONTROL! Long live KAOS!" Adding to the din was the raucous music of the Sacred  
Cows, who had just been released from a mental institution. The noise was so great that the entire  
neighborhood shook with the vibrations of the anarchistic ritual. Then, as though a great wind had  
swept through the place and carried the sound away, there was a dead silence. Groovy Guru came  
down off the shoulders of those who had carried him and prepared to make a speech.  
  
"My groovy friends, and KAOS allies," began the Homicidal Hindu, "we are gathered here today  
to celebrate the return of the Sacred Cows and myself from the Center Of National Trainees for  
the Retainment Of Lawbreakers. But let us not forget that their are others who would wish to  
drown our plea for anarchy with their sappy cries of 'Peace.'" At this, loud hissing and booing  
was heard, which the guru quickly hushed. "Why, our very own top spy Conrad von Siegfried is  
unable to join us, no thanks to that Artless Agent, Maxwell Smart, who landed him in jail not so  
very long ago! For this outrage and so many others, there is no other solution but REVENGE!"  
Another shout went up from the crowd. "And you all are all required to help in my plan of action  
to create the ultimate weapon against snoopy female agents!"  
  
"Groovy!" came the cry. And the preparation for the creation of that evil invention went long into  
the night . . .   
  
TBC . . . 


	3. Max in the Mood

The next morning, Agent 99 woke with a start. Her phone was ringing off the hook. "Who  
would call me this early?" she wondered aloud as she answered. "Hello?"  
  
"This is your boss, Maxwell Smart calling," said a voice that was obviously not Smart.  
  
"You don't sound like Max," she stated in confusion.  
  
There was silence on the line. "Would you believe . . . Larrabee?"   
  
"I most certainly would!" she replied cheerily. "Larrabee, has Max been prompting your   
speech because I can't see you saying 'Would you believe' otherwise."  
  
"Actually, yes, Agent 99," Larrabee continued. "Agent 86 can only whisper ever since he  
lost his voice, so he's whispering to me what he wants to say to you."  
  
"But I thought you were fired!"   
  
"Well, he had to hire me again as soon as he realized he needed someone to do his talking  
for him. After the mistake I made about Groovy Guru, he doesn't trust me to say what he wants  
me to on my own, so he decided to prompt me."  
  
"But he isn't prompting you to explain all of this to me, is he?"  
  
"Well, no . . ."  
  
Suddenly, what Larrabee had been saying sunk in. "You mean it was your idea to grant  
Groovy Guru parole?"  
  
"Yeah," admitted the sheepish agent.  
  
"Oh, poor Max! How I've wronged him! Larrabee, do me a favor and tell Max that I'll be  
over to fix my mother's laryngitis remedy ASAP." She was about to hang up when she  
remembered that Larrabee hadn't stated the purpose of his call. "Oh, Larrabee, why did you call  
me at this hour anyway?"  
  
"Well, 86 was wondering if you could help him get his voice back with your mother's  
secret recipe," he explained.  
  
"Oh, of course," said 99 dryly. "Bye!"  
  
"Bye."  
  
She hung up and started deciding what to wear to the office.  
  
****************  
  
Agent 86, Maxwell Smart, was waiting impatiently for 99 to finish with her concoction. If  
he could speak, he probably would've been whining his head off. Luckily for 99, he couldn't.  
  
"I'm almost done mixing it, Max," she said soothingly to her ruffled coworker as she  
stirred the mixture thoroughly. Hymie stood near by, ready to assist his friend if the need arose.  
Larabee was busily shredding important documents with CONTROL's state of the art shredder.  
He didn't particularly relish the job, but if the choice was between it and losing his temporary  
employer's good graces again, he'd rather do the job.  
  
"There!" 99 announced proudly. "Now drink up before it loses its potency." She offered  
the thick goo to Smart.   
  
Maxwell turned three shades of green. "You mean, I actually have to digest this- this  
stuff!" he mouthed in disbelief.  
  
"Now, Maxy," 99 scolded with a motherly air, "do you want to feel better or not?"  
  
Agent 86 shrugged and accepted the medicine. He stared at it, as if that would make it  
magically disappear.  
  
"Ma-ax," said 99 in a sing-song voice. "Does Hymie have to feed it to you?" Hymie's  
eyes mechanically lit up at the sound of his name.  
  
Max grumbled and lifted the bitter vessel to his lips. He took a small sip and swallowed.  
The look on his face the next instant was so ridiculous that Larabee had to bite his lip to keep  
from laughing out loud. Max crossed his eyes and shook his head as though he had just been  
blasted by a loud noise. 99 looked on in concern and admonition.  
  
"Now finish it," she commanded.  
  
Max obeyed, his face contorting in the most grotesque way until he had downed the entire  
brew. "That was the most disgusting, revolting-" he began in his loud annoying voice.  
  
99 had appeared deeply hurt until she realized that her remedy had worked. "Max!" she  
cried jubilantly, "Your voice!"  
  
"That's besides the point," he rambled crossly. "That stuff is unfit for human  
consumption. There should be a law-" He stopped in midsentence, realizing what she had just   
said. "99! My voice! You've cured me!" He ran over to her. 99 closed her eyes, imagining the  
warm embrace that was sure to follow. Suddenly, she felt a firm handshake. Her eyes popped  
open in shock to the sound of: "Good work, fellow agent. I will now promote you to-to-" He  
snapped his fingers trying to think of an appropriate response. "-coffee-break monitor!"  
  
"Oh, gee, thanks," muttered 99, just the slightest bit disappointed.  
  
"Oh, it's nothing," said Max. "I'm sure Chief won't mind. He's always complaining about  
how long we take on our breaks." He smiled proudly, certain that his boss would reward his  
action. "Now, if you don't mind, 99, I have some important business to attend to, so why don't  
you -uh- check the coffee pots to make sure they're heating up."   
  
99 curtsied, simpering sarcastically, and left to perform her mundane duty. It was not as  
if there was anything better to do since KAOS was on an apparent hiatus.   
  
Max looked after her in silent admiration, when it occurred to him that she didn't seem  
too happy about her promotion. "Larabee," he started, turning to his ignorant employee, "is it just  
me, or did 99 seem slightly unimpressed with her new commission?"  
  
Larabee kept a straight face for as long as he could (about 5 seconds), and then ran out of  
the room laughing hysterically.  
  
"Now THAT is just plain rude," complained Smart indignantly to Hymie, the only soul left  
in the room. Then, his mood softened, and he continued in a slightly mellower tone. "Oh, Hymie,  
you're the only one I can talk to," he began as he put an arm about the robot.  
  
Hymie took this gesture as a threat and slammed it back at him. "Do not do that, Mr.  
Smart," he droned in his almost-but-not-quite-human voice.   
  
Max rubbed his arm gingerly before continuing. "What I mean is, I don't think I show my  
appreciation for 99 enough. What should I do?"  
  
Hymie stood very still and blinked a couple times before replying. "I am not programmed  
for romantic advice, Mr. Smart, but if you like, I will search my database for an appropriate  
response."  
  
"Hymie, you don't have to do- hey! Who said anything about romance?" Max turned  
accusingly toward the robot. "I am only FRIENDS with Agent 99, get that?"  
  
"Ha, ha," Hymie said, which was about as close to a laugh as the machine could get.   
  
"You stupid rob- I mean heh heh," started Max, nearly forgetting his promise to treat  
Hymie like a real person.  
  
"My databases have found your answer," stated Hymie, apparently oblivious to Max's  
near-insult. "According to this, one may show one's affection for one of the opposite S E X-"  
  
"That's sex," interrupted Smart impatiently.  
  
"-by the giving of some token of esteem. The most popular of these is the ring."  
  
"Ring!" said Max, sinking into his desk chair. "If I do that, 99 will get the wrong idea . . .  
You know those love-starved females."  
  
"The word 'love-starved' does not compute," Hymie blinked in confusion. "How can one  
be hungry for love?"  
  
"Hymie," sighed Agent 86, "just forget it." He didn't want to get into a discussion about  
the birds and the bees with a robot.  
  
"I cannot forget. My memory bank can hold 1,000,000-"  
  
"Hymie!" yelled Max.   
  
Hymie blinked. "Yes."  
  
"Why don't you see if 99 needs help with the coffee while I go . . . get 99 a ring, ok?"  
  
"After you, Mr. Smart," Hymie offered politely.  
  
Smart frowned. Of course, he had no intention of actually getting his fellow agent a ring.  
He merely wanted the robot to leave. But since exiting the premises seemed to be the only way to  
accomplish his building, he did so promptly, without another word to the lovely 99 who was  
polishing the silver coffee pot. She called after her secret sweetheart softly as he rushed pass, but  
he didn't seem to hear her. Her face betrayed the heartache that her smile could usually conceal.  
Would he ever realize she was alive?  
  
Meanwhile, Maxwell Smart rushed down the hallway with the myriad of security doors  
without even stopping to make sure the last one closed. He always pinched his nose doing that  
anyway. Once outdoors, he took a deep breath and headed in the general direction of the nearest  
jewelry store. He had not taken more then ten steps when he noticed something shiny in the gutter  
just outside the building. Curious, he bent down to examine the object. There lay a perfectly  
gorgeous silver ring with a stone that defied description. It was grey and orange and pink at the  
same time. "Now who left this here?" he wondered aloud as he picked the trinket up.  
Immediately, the odd stone changed colors to amber-yellow. The CONTROL agent did a double  
take. "Now that's funny, I could've sworn . . ." Suddenly, the ring began to feel strangely hot and  
morphed to a deep blue hue. Max could feel himself become warm and fuzzy feeling inside. "99,"  
he murmured breathlessly as he slowly back-tracked into the building, an abnormally romantic  
look on his face. Several miles away, Groovy Guru laughed maniacally.  
  
TBC . . . 


	4. Mad Max and Neurotic NinetyNine

Max walked back into the office in an apparent daze. He went to the coffee pot to give 99 her  
new bobble, but she wasn't there. Shrugging, he continued to the inner sanctum of Chief's office.  
There was his beloved, sitting on the desk with her legs crossed attractively at the ankle, sipping  
coffee and chatting with Larabee. His heart skipped the cliched beat as he murmured her name.  
  
99 blinked in surprise. "Did you say something, Max?" she asked in wonder as she placed her  
mug on the desk. She could've sworn he'd said her name, but not in a tone she had ever heard  
before.  
  
Max's dark brown eyes seemed lit from within with an almost carnal desire. 99 was taken  
completely aback at this new side of her hero. "I need you, 99!" he declared in an intense whisper.  
Larabee was so frightened that he ran out of the room, leaving a very vulnerable female agent to  
face the amorous Smart.  
  
"Max, take it easy," she began nervously as she slid off the desk and slowly started for the  
door. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing can ever be wrong if you're in the world, 99," he continued earnestly. Much to  
her horror, he quickly backed her into a corner so that all she could see was his warm, brown  
eyes. Before she could make a sound, he grabbed her around the waist and kissed her  
passionately. That kiss was so potently wonderful that 99 would've fallen right over if she hadn't  
had his strong arms around her, steadying her. As it was, her breath was quite literally taken  
away, leaving her gasping for air . . . and more.  
  
"Oh, Max," she said in a small voice, "I never knew you felt that way. Kiss me, kiss me  
again."   
  
She prepared herself for another wave of romantic ecstasy but was greeted by the sound  
of: "99, what on earth are you talking about?" The silver ring was lying benignly on the floor.  
Max had dropped it when he had embraced his fellow agent. Evidently, he had no memory of the  
tumultuous kiss.  
  
99 felt for certain that her heart would break. "But Max, you just kissed me, don't you  
remember?"  
  
"Now why would I do a thing like that? You must have been having another one of your  
absurd romantic fantasies. Honestly, 99, you should learn to control them."  
  
"Maxwell Smart! You take that back!" she cried, fighting back the hot tears stinging her  
eyelids. "I have never in my life had an 'absurd romantic fantasy', and if I had, believe me, Agent  
86, you would be the LAST to know."  
  
"Calm down, 99," said Smart quickly. "Let me think." He was beginning to wonder if she  
was telling the truth, for he had absolutely no memory of the last five minutes. He didn't even  
have a clue how he got there or what he had been doing directly beforehand. It was all scrambled  
in his already-illogical mind.  
  
99 was about to continue her tirade when she noticed the lost-little-boy look on her  
partner's countenance. "Max, you really don't remember kissing me, do you?" she asked, her eyes  
wide with surprise.  
  
"No, I don't," he replied quietly. "99, SOMETHING is going on here. If I could only  
remember what." He glanced around the room, searching for something, ANYTHING that would  
jog his memory. Suddenly, his gaze fell on the forgotten ring. "Aha!" he declared, scooping up the  
ring, which had ceased glowing and returned to its original greyish hue. "Now I remember! I was  
going to the jewelry store to buy a ring for you when-"  
  
"Oh, Max!" 99 gushed, snatching the trinket from a confused looking Smart. "A mood  
ring! These are all the latest rage! Groovy!" She slipped it on her finger, admiring its tranquil  
beauty. It immediately changed color to dark blue, indicating her euphoric mood. "Thank you so  
much!" She kissed him on the cheek and embraced him.  
  
"Well, you're welcome, 99, but I didn't actually-" he started.  
  
"I will wear it always," she promised solemnly, batting her ridiculously long false  
eyelashes. "That is, unless I get a better offer." She rubbed her naked ring left finger for emphasis.  
  
Max gulped and felt his face become unbearably hot. 99 tittered excitedly and made a little  
cutesy face at him. Max turned even redder. Just then, Larabee re-entered the room, looking  
flustered. Max, relieved at the distraction, pleasantly asked what was wrong.  
  
"It's KAOS!" he panted. "They're here in droves and most of the staff has just been given  
leave!"  
  
"Well, can't you contact them?" Max asked in exasperation.  
  
"Chief keeps all of that information in secret files," Larabee continued. "You know the  
combination to get into the file cabinet, don't you?"  
  
Agent 86 began to nod, but then quickly shook his head. "Chief told me last week that  
you knew it so I didn't have to worry. Don't tell me you forgot it!"  
  
"Uh, well . . ." stuttered Larabee. He grinned sheepishly up at his boss " I forgot it."  
  
Max turned on him in annoyance. "I asked you not to tell me that!" Smart was about to  
complain to 99, when he noticed that she had a slap-happy grin stuck on her face.  
  
"KAOS is coming! We're going to die!" she chirped, clapping her hands like a giddy child.  
The ring on her hand was glowing dark blue.  
  
"99, have you by any chance lost your marbles!" shouted Max in panic.  
  
99 seemed to be contemplating this thought. "Oh, well. Someone probably needs them  
more than me anyway." She began humming a cheery tune as she straightened up the office.  
  
"99! Earth to 99!" Maxwell Smart snapped his fingers loudly in front of her face.  
  
"Don't be annoying, darling!" she said in a surly tone. Then, she kissed him, running her  
hands through his hair roughly and growling.   
  
Max shook his head violently and tried to get away from the psychotic 99. This HAD to  
be a nightmare. Or maybe HE was having an absurd romantic fantasy now! Whatever the case, it  
certainly was absurd! "99, listen to me, we are being attacked!" He grabbed her by the shoulders  
and started shaking her.   
  
"St-o-o-o-p th-a-a-at, dar-ar-ar-ling!" she said, giggling. The ring, jarred by the vibrations,  
slid off her hand onto the floor. Suddenly, 99's gleeful expression was replaced by one of  
confusion and annoyance. "Max, why are you shaking me? Stop that!" She pushed him away.  
Hard. He fell over onto the floor. 99 gasped.  
  
"Are you alright?" 99 and Max asked each other simultaneosly. Then, they exchanged a  
romantic glance as 99 helped Max to his feet. "Oh, you dropped this," he said, picking up the  
forgotten ring.  
  
"Thanks," she replied, blushing, as she moved in for a kiss.  
  
Max was about to oblige when Larabee shouted. "The're here! They're here! Head for  
cover!" He darted under the desk in cowardice.  
  
"Of all the cowardly . . ." Max began irately.  
  
"What shall we do?" 99 queried, batting her long eyelashes. "Do you have a plan?"  
  
Maxed smiled to see that she was back to normal. "We will just stand our ground, 99.  
Hold the fort! Remember the Alamo!" He struck a majestic pose. Just then, a poison dart flew  
into the room and poked Max's arm. "Ow!"   
  
"Max!" cried 99 as she rushed to his side. Subconciously, she slipped the ring back onto  
her finger. Immediately, she slowed in her steps and then began dancing around the room.  
  
"99!" called Max in pain as he clutched his injured arm. He watched the crazed 99 in  
agony as she began to watusi. Something was definitely wrong. He crawled over to the female spy  
and whispered, "What's wrong with you?"  
  
"Nothing!" she screetched joyfully as she switched to the monkey.  
  
  
Max felt his strength fading and soon the room began to blur noticeably. He reached out  
for his partner one last time before slumping over, apparently dead. 99 continued to dance,  
oblivious to the body on the floor.  
  
**************  
  
When Max opened his eyes, he expected to be in either heaven or hell. He was completely  
shocked to discover the psychadelic colors swirling around his throbbing head. "Hm, I didn't  
know they did drugs in the afterlife," he mused as he tried to get up. That's when he realized that  
he was very much alive. His head was spinning and pounding most terribly. Hard ropes were  
cutting into the skin on his wrists and ankles and his vocal capacities were restricted for the  
second time in 24 hours, only this time by a gag. He was tied to a chair in the middle of the  
Groovy Guru radio station!  
  
"Well, my groovy friend, it seems you were tripped out for a while there," came a  
disturbingly familiar voice. Max squirmed in his seat as a bearded man with 60's style glasses  
emerged from behind a glass partition. Three very oddly dressed musicians were right behind him.  
One of them undid the Max's gag, snickering evilly.  
  
"99!" Max exclaimed, suddenly remembering his sweetheart. "What have you done with  
99!" He struggled against his bonds, but it was no use. He was too weak from the aftereffects of  
the drug.  
  
"Cool it, man. Your lover girl is perfectly safe as long as you promise to cooperate." The  
Guru snapped his fingers and the Sacred Cows began to jam on their guitars.  
  
"I don't believe you!" shouted Max as the hypnotic music flooded his brain. "If she's safe,  
why can't I see her?"   
  
The Cows were chanting, "Close Down CONTROL. Close down CONTROL." Maxwell  
fought desparately to ignore their suggestive instructions but the odd rhythms and notes of the  
music were rapidly breaking his will.  
  
"Oh, you can see her sure enough, man." The Hindu snapped his fingers and the music  
stopped. Agent 86 breathed a sigh of relief as he felt himself regaining control of his doped brain.  
The Guru whispered something to one of the Cows and he retreated to the glassed-in studio. He  
returned a moment later with a very calm-looking 99. She blinked stupidly at him as she  
approached.  
  
"Hello, Max," she said sedately. The ring on her hand glowed green. "What in the world  
are you doing tied to that chair?"  
  
"99, help me!" pleaded Smart, tugging at the ropes that bound him.  
  
"I don't see what the big rush is," she sighed, yawning. She held her hand up to her face  
and admired the ring.  
  
Just then, Max had a startling revelation. Everytime 99 wore the ring, she started acting  
weird. When it fell off earlier, she had returned to normal. If only he could get her to take it off!  
"99!" he cried. "Get rid of the ring!"  
  
"Why?" was the blank answer.  
  
"Because it's bad!" Max yelled frantically.  
  
"Hi-de-ho," said 99, totally relaxed and disinterested.   
  
Groovy Guru let out an amused chuckle. "You see it's useless, Mr. Smart. You are under  
the influence of a very powerful drug, your partner here is completely apathetic, and Larabee is  
being brainwashed to be a killer!"  
  
"No! No! This can't be happening!" sobbed our hero. He was feeling utterly hopeless and  
spent.  
  
The Guru merely began to laugh maniacally. "And now, we need to know the password to  
get into CONTROL headquarters so we can destroy that square joint and rule the world! If you  
don't, we will just crank up the groovy vibes and you yourself will be personally responsible for  
its demise! Now are you going to help us of your own free will and escape being a traitor or will  
we have to end your career as a spy permenantly?"  
  
Smart racked his battered brain for the proper answer to such a loaded question. "Are you  
sure those are the only choices?" he asked innocently.  
  
"Smart, don't make me lose my cool, man," replied Groovy Guru, obviously unamused.  
  
Max shifted his gaze from each of the Sacred Cows and back to their leader, trying hard to  
devise an escape, but all in vain. In a last ditch effort of valiance, he declared, "You'll never make  
me talk!"  
  
"Very well then, man," said the Guru. He gestured for the deranged musicians to  
commence their terrible tune.  
  
As the dissonant melody once again wound its way into Agent 86's mind, he couldn't help  
but think that if he didn't do something fast, it would all be over for him, 99, and the rest of  
CONTROL!!  
  
TBC . . . 


	5. I think I know what mood YOU'RE in!

Maxwell Smart could feel himself slipping into the oblivion of a deep trance as the Sacred Cows  
continued their musical command to destroy CONTROL. "I, uh, must think of . . . Shutting down  
CONTROL! No, that's not right. Must . . . concentrate on something . . . else," he mused while  
fading in and out of mental control. The sight of 99, standing guilelessly in front of him, made him  
smile, despite his mental anguish. "Think . . . of . . . 99 . . ." he told himself over and over again  
until he was saying the words out loud. Suddenly, the four KAOS agents were smiling dreamily  
and ogling the female agent, the Cows still playing their dreadful music and chanting their evil  
lyrics. Hey, she's mine! Thought Smart jealously. Then, it occurred to him that they had only  
noticed 99 at all when he had chanted "Think of 99" out loud. It seemed that when the mind-  
control music was playing, anything that was chanted would determine the listeners' course of  
action. It hadn't mattered that the KAOS members had heard the first command, since their  
objective was already to destroy CONTROL, and 99 hadn't been in the room until now. Come to  
think of it, she was about ready to cave in to the command and attempt to dismantle CONTROL  
herself! "I must give her some 'positive vibes,'" he decided. Slowly, and in a voice that was far  
from musical, he began to intone loudly, "99 . . . take . . . off . . . the . . .ring." He repeated it over  
and over again, praying that she would listen.  
  
99 blinked at this new set of instructions, as if wondering which to follow. Max was so intent on  
reaching his partner that he completely blocked out the chants of the KAOS agents. "You . . .  
want . . . to . . . take . . . off . . . the . . .ring," he continued urgently. 99's fingers grazed the ring  
lightly, but she didn't remove it.  
  
Groovy Guru realized what his adversary was doing so, he commanded them to chant  
louder, which they did. Of course, Max, who was also listening, raised the volume of his own  
entreaty as a result of the hypnotic suggestion. Groovy Guru put in earplugs and began yelling at  
Max, who ignored him completely. 99 seemed to be completely overwelmed by all of this input  
and collapsed to the floor in a faint. Unseen by everyone, the ring fell off her finger and rolled  
across the floor.  
  
"You are so out, man!" Guru crowed triumphantly. "Your chic couldn't handle all of the  
strain, and neither can I!" He snapped his fingers, the only sound besides chanting that seemed to  
have any effect on listeners of the Hindu song. "I am not into this groove any more, man!" There  
must be a more effective way of killing CONTROL! I know, torture!" He rubbed his hands  
together in glee.  
  
"Actually, I was really getting into that groovy music," said Max, once again stalling for  
time. After all, he HAD failed his torture class at spy school 5 times.  
  
Just then, 99 revived and quietly got to her feet. Ring-less and not hearing any commands  
otherwise, she chopped Groovy Guru across the neck, sending him spinning to the floor. A little  
black box flew out of his coat pocket.   
  
"99! You're alright!" cried Max in great relief. She rushed to untie him, but was clobbered  
by a Sacred Cow. The other two began their music once more.  
  
"Not . . .again . . ." moaned Max as he struggled against the onslaught of evil suggestions  
for the third time that evening.  
  
Just when things looked their bleakest, the door to the studio was chopped down by a  
tremendous force. Hymie had once again come to his buddy's rescue. In a matter of moments, the  
three musicians and their boss were all unconscious on the floor.  
  
"Hymie, you saved us!" exclaimed 99, in a voice full of emotion.  
  
"I only did my duty," droned the robot patriotically.  
  
"How did you know we were here?" queried the female agent.  
  
"I used my tracking device," Hymie said diplomatically.  
  
"Isn't that nice?" said Max sarcastically. "Now would one of you please untie me?"  
  
"Oh, Max, I'm sorry!" cooed 99 as she bent to untie his legs. Hymie snapped the ropes  
binding his wrists with ease and soon Agent 86 was a free man again.   
  
"Hm, I wonder what this is," Maxwell Smart thought as he picked up the black box from  
Groovy Guru's pocket.  
  
At that moment, Larabee entered from the studio. "Wow! What weird music!" he  
declared. "The band just kept saying 'kill, kill, kill,'"  
  
"And it didn't affect you?" asked Max in disbelief.  
  
"I took the headphones off before I could tell," he explained. "It was a stupid song  
anyway.  
  
"They didn't tie you up?"   
  
"Yeah, they did, but 99 untied me."  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"She wanted to . . ." He turned red.  
  
"What did I want to do?" demanded 99, dreading the worst.  
  
"Kiss me!" he mumbled, chuckling.  
  
Max gave 99 a look.  
  
"Now, Max, I don't remember anything of the sort-"  
  
"Your ring, 99. It affected your moods."  
  
"A mood ring that affects moods instead of reflecting them, leaving the wearer no memory  
of his actions when it is removed" mused 99. "It was quite an ingenious little invention. Did I  
really kiss you, Larabee?"  
  
The look on Larabee's face was the only confirmation she needed. Max was turning a  
violent shade of green.  
  
"I think I know what mood you're in," teased 99.  
  
Max grumbled a little before setting down the black box and using his shoe phone to call   
the remaining agents left at CONTROL to dispose of the bodies.  
  
"Is this the ring?" asked Larabee as he jokingly put it on his finger. "I wonder how it  
works." He began to fiddle with it, but the stone remained dull.  
  
Max leaned forward with his shoe phone to his ear to see what Larabee was doing,  
accidently stepping on the box and breaking it. "Oops!" he said in chagrin. "I think that was the  
control for the ring."  
  
The ring glowed black and Larabee began to shout. "Too many people, you're all  
crowding me! I'm so hurried! Gotta run!" He scrambled about the room, pulling at his thinning   
hair.  
  
"Max!" scolded 99.  
  
"Sorry about that, 99," he replied sheepishly.  
  
She glared at him before grabbing Hymie, who had been neatly arranging the bodies,  
chasing after Larabee to retrieve the ring.  
  
  
TAG  
  
"Well, 99," said Max as they entered Chief's office, "It's a good thing that we were able to get  
that ring off Agent Larabee's hand. Let's just keep our little adventure to ourselves when Chief  
comes home this afternoon."  
"If you think that is best, Max," 99 said softly as she put her arms around Smart and tried  
to kiss him. Max turned his head in embarrassment. She twirled her finger through his hair and  
asked, "You have talked to Larabee about this, right?"  
"Well, not exactly . . ."  
Chief strolled into the room wearing shorts, sunglasses, and a Hawaiian shirt. "What a  
vacation!" he exclaimed blissfully as he plopped his suitcase on his desk.  
"Glad to see you back, Chief," Max said grinning as he pulled away from 99. They both  
smiled innocently at their boss. Too innocently.  
"Alright Max," Chief sighed heavily, bracing himself for the worst. "What happened?"  
"Would you believe . . . nothing?" asked Smart hopefully. Chief glared. "How about  
something?"  
"What sort of something?" demanded Chief, his blood pressure rising.  
Just then, Larabee stumbled into the room. "Well, boss, Groovy Guru is going to be on  
the CONTROL retention facility for a long time. No more paroles for that fellow."  
Max's face fell and he pointed at Chief. Larabee cringed as his boss yelled, "Parole? Who  
granted him parole? MAX!"  
  
THE END!  
  
A/N I hope you enjoyed my humble attempt at bringing our favourite characters to life. Sorry if  
the chant part was a little confusing. I wasn't quite sure how to explain it. I am currently in the  
process of writing another episode-style fic called "CONTROL Under Construction" and a diary  
fic told from Maxine's POV. If you liked this story, please, please read my friend's story, Zis is  
KAOS. It is really funny and she isn't feeling well, so this would be a nice surprise, don't you  
think? *nudges you* 


End file.
